About the Blog

This blog is to simply highlight the daily struggle i have in life at the minute - and for the last god knows ow many years. The views are blunt and not sugar coated, they may upset you and may enlighten you at the same time. I'm not here for sympathy or haters but i'm sure i will get both. the former will be appreciated the latter will be blocked. Some of the posts will be short and others much longer but i hope this will help you build a picture of how it really is to have depression and what you might be able to do to support someone in the situation i find myself in. If your new here i would suggest reading the first post from April 2016 it sets the scene and gives you a little snippet of information about me.

Sunday, 3 April 2016

So why the blog?

Well this all stems from what was a fantastic night out on a lifelong friends boat. Things were absolutely fab but something went wrong, the culmination of my past mistakes, hiding things from my wife and alcohol ended up with her arrested and me with a bloodied and broken nose.

 I accept this was my fault and whilst some feel I am taking the blame this is not the case, I am admitting responsibility and that is different to apportioning blame. I am not responsible for Jade breaking ym nose but i AM responsible for her feeling the way she did. In court it would be common for a person who inflicts injury to prevent further injury to claim self defence and had things progressed yesterday with the police i would have been fully prepared to stand up in court for Jade and say she acted in self defence after a year of emotional injury inflicted by me - not willingly I may add.
This is going to be one of the hardest things i EVER write. its not a copied statues about cancer or rascism of bully...
Posted by Jade Andandre Smith on Saturday, 2 April 2016

So there it is the post that made me realise perhaps I wasn't feeling to great after all. and the post that inspired a range of warm responses from people I didn't even imagine would bother to take the minute out of their life to read my rant let alone take another 2 minutes to write a meaningful comment or message. It also resulted in a lengthy discussion with my wife with me saying again that I cannot change what I did in the past (in short I wasn't the most faithful of people in her eyes - I have a slightly lower opinion on the matter but its her feelings that matter in this instance i'm not in a relationship with myself after all.) but i can only influence the future.

 This morning I had her in a short bout of tears thinking that she is to blame and it has been intimated by a couple of people too but the truth is without Jade by my side through thin and the very thick I would have possibly snapped a lot sooner - she may be the reason i had the strength to write this whole thing in the first place.

 So as I lay here on my bed writing this I consider what to do today - some have suggested seek urgent medical attention but as is always the way with me I think of those who need medical help more than I do - besides I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for my hearing anyway - 2 birds with one stone and all that jazz!
Others have suggested I go for walks or drives or get away but instead I lay here with a crazing headache - the sort I feel you need a jubilee clip tightening around your head to relive - I contemplate the crazy mess that lies before me in the coming hours days and weeks and simply relax Once this is posted my wedding song is going on - Lets see who can remember it - and im off up town with the family to see whats for tea - maybe even buy a lawnmower for the jungle that is my back garden.

 Ill be back tonight but until then stay strong and stay safe.!
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