So why the blog?

Well this all stems from what was a fantastic night out on a lifelong friends boat. Things were absolutely fab but something went wrong, the culmination of my past mistakes, hiding things from my wife and alcohol ended up with her arrested and me with a bloodied and broken nose.

I accept this was my fault and whilst some feel I am taking the blame this is not the case, I am admitting responsibility and that is different to apportioning blame. I am not responsible for Jade breaking ym nose but i AM responsible for her feeling the way she did. In court it would be common for a person who inflicts injury to prevent further injury to claim self defence and had things progressed yesterday with the police i would have been fully prepared to stand up in court for Jade and say she acted in self defence after a year of emotional injury inflicted by me - not willingly I may add.

This is going to be one of the hardest things i EVER write. its not a copied statues about cancer or rascism of bully...
Posted by Jade Andandre Smith on Saturday, 2 April 2016

So there it is the post that made me realise perhaps I wasn't feeling to great after all. and the post that inspired a range of warm responses from people I didn't even imagine would bother to take the minute out of their life to read my rant let alone take another 2 minutes to write a meaningful comment or message. It also resulted in a lengthy discussion with my wife with me saying again that I cannot change what I did in the past (in short I wasn't the most faithful of people in her eyes - I have a slightly lower opinion on the matter but its her feelings that matter in this instance i'm not in a relationship with myself after all.) but i can only influence the future.

This morning I had her in a short bout of tears thinking that she is to blame and it has been intimated by a couple of people too but the truth is without Jade by my side through thin and the very thick I would have possibly snapped a lot sooner - she may be the reason i had the strength to write this whole thing in the first place.

So as I lay here on my bed writing this I consider what to do today - some have suggested seek urgent medical attention but as is always the way with me I think of those who need medical help more than I do - besides I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for my hearing anyway - 2 birds with one stone and all that jazz!
Others have suggested I go for walks or drives or get away but instead I lay here with a crazing headache - the sort I feel you need a jubilee clip tightening around your head to relive - I contemplate the crazy mess that lies before me in the coming hours days and weeks and simply relax Once this is posted my wedding song is going on - Lets see who can remember it - and im off up town with the family to see whats for tea - maybe even buy a lawnmower for the jungle that is my back garden.

Ill be back tonight but until then stay strong and stay safe.!

Depression - The back story

Hi! I'm Andre a 27 year old married dad with 3 children - one of whom i inherited when i got with my Wife Jade some 9 years ago. I live a fairly well off life and don't have any worries - or so i keep telling myself. I suffer from depression and have decided to write this blog to hopefully help you out there who are in a similar situation to me - or indeed those who are trying to support someone like me. My views wont be sugar coated and may be very blunt at times. but hey this is my blog and if you don't like it you can always leave right?

I cant really remember when I got depression or when it became depression. I can however remember the first time i tried (poorly) to commit suicide. I was in year 7 at middle school and had been dealing with bullies for a long time.
I'm fairly clever and taller than your average Joe. I had been kicked, hit, spat at and one time some "hard kid" had got me on the floor and kicked me whilst i was down int he middle of the playground - Thanks Sunny hall (even now some 18 years later I remember your name.)
On the day in question i cant remember the exact trigger or triggers but I remember after school walking into the toilets outside outside Mr Gills room locking myself in the right hand cubicle and removing the shoelace from my shoe and proceeding to tie it around my neck - then the stumbling block i couldn't possibly hang myself whilst holding the shoe lace. - This was what i now realise to be the first of many bizarre decisions in my life which in hindsight aren't the cleverest. but if you have depression or know someone with depression you will understand that this happens a lot at times.

I remember the head teacher, Mrs Knightley, taking me home and me running upstairs to my bedroom and crying for hours on end whilst she explained to my parents what had gone on. I still recall the shame and embarrassment now.

As the years went on I had many events which I cant fully detail, and would be too long to detail but I found myself in hospital several times for overdoes, got picked up by the police a few times including one from the rivers edge and was sectioned under the Mental Health Act by the time I was 16.

At school i was predicted to do very well and in year 6 ended up taking higher level S.A.T.S exams but due to my ongoing battle thereon with myself this was all to amount to a mediocre set of GCSE's the thing people refer to for the rest of your working life. a thing for me to hate myself for even more.

Over the coming days weeks and months you will be (un)lucky enough to get an insight into a range of incidents in my life, and there have been a few and how i deal - or not at times- with my situation...

Until then stay strong and stay safe.